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15 Turkeys So Ugly You Won't Feel Bad About Eating Them On Thanksgiving

NOVEMBER 17, 2015  —  By Tim Unkenholz  
Tim Unkenholz

Tim Unkenholz

Writer and stand up comedian in NY. Check out my monthly comedy show Roomie Raiders at the Creek and The Cave! @timunken

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, mostly because of the food. But every year, it seems like more and more of my friends and family are passing on the turkey for dietary reasons. Folks, diets and vegetarianism are fine and respectable, but honestly, turkeys deserve to be killed and eaten.

Have you seen a live turkey? They are gnarled, twisted, real-life demons. The following ugly turkeys need to be beheaded, gutted, and plopped right in the middle of the Thanksgiving buffet.

1. I hope this dumb turkey never turns its gross head.

2. This turkey didn't cover itself with baked beans. That's just what its face looks like.

3. I would make a The Good, the Bad and the Ugly reference here, but these three are all ugly.

4. This turkey looks like his face was melted with Jedi lightning.

5. This turkey did not suffer from extreme burns. It just naturally has a demon face.

6. Those aren't tumors on this turkey's neck. Turkeys don't get cancer. Turkeys are cancer.

7. This turkey looks like a tongue with wings.

8. It has a nice blood trunk, doesn't it? Like a nasty elephant!

9. This turkey looks like me in my awkward phase in high school (and college).

10. You can look into the eyes of this turkey all you want, but you will find no soul there.

11. Judging by its face, I assume that this turkey is 1,000 years old.

12. It's like a living corpse.

13. This turkey has to move its face out of its face so it can see.

14. This turkey turned because it heard us making fun of how ugly it is, only to reveal its neck warts, which didn't help.

15. This is just a mass of ugly to me. I can't even tell if it's a turkey or not.

These are the Skeksis from The Dark Crystal. Even though they are a reptilian race that brought about the end of the Age of Harmony, they are much more attractive than your average turkey.

The focus of Thanksgiving is, of course, to count your blessings. But I think the second most important goal of the holiday is to keep the population of turkeys in check. Otherwise, we'd have an army of dino-faced zombies flapping around. No one needs that.

 

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